I have been making many decisions in the past couple months. Big decisions. That determine such things as where I will be living and what jobs I can get after graduation. Which, is also changing.

I've changed majors for real and for the last time since I am now planning on graduating in December. I am not walking for two reasons. One, I am not very proud of the degree I will be graduating with. It's not the degree I want, but there is no way that I can stay at Mansfield any longer and be happy while getting this degree. Second, graduation is December 19th which is also the day of Dawnelle and Bill's Wedding. I would be much more proud to walk down the isle in front of her than to walk across the stage receiving the before mentioned degree.

My Grandma, who just turned 91 in April, seems to be failing quite quickly now. This woman I have looked up to and thought she would live forever, quite literally. She went to the gym every day for 40 years the last time she had been to the hospital before this past summer was when she gave birth to her youngest child in 1951. She went to church religiously, taught up through this year starting out with first graders then after retirement taught under-advantaged adults how to read at the local library.

My mom just went to take her to a couple doctors appointments this past weekend and to plant my grandmother's flowers on Memorial Day as she has done for as long as I can remember. As my mother put it, she has slipped from 100% to 45% in two months. She hadn't been taking care of her dog, watering her plants, eating, cleaning, any of her usual duties. She stopped going to the YMCA, church and has had her license suspended for medical reasons. She passes out frequently now, drinks at least a quart of wine every night and lives by herself in a house in the middle of nowhere. My mom had her dog put down Monday morning, which made my grandmother upset but it needed to be done. I have become so concerned about my grandmother. I have never in my life thought about her actually being sick.

I came home tonight to fill in at work since both of my bosses couldn't work today. II made a proposal to my mom after she told me of all these things and told me how concerned she was about grandma. I told her that if grandma was still not doing well and too stubborn to leave her house (which she would be) that I would move in with her in January and stay with her. I feel like my grandmother would appreciate the company, especially if I made it seem like it was my decision and I wasn't going there just to keep an eye on her. I would take her to her doctors appointments, make sure she ate at least one meal every day, give her her glass of wine every night, clean the house and just make sure she was okay. She's 91, living alone in the middle of nowhere and tends to pass out. What if she fell down the stairs? No one would know about it for a while. If I moved in with her I could make sure she was okay.

I would get a job, substituting, at a day-care, or super market. I wouldn't need to worry about bills or rent. I would only need to worry about groceries and any other luxuries I would want. I wouldn't get cell service but I could possibly get dial-up internet for my computer. I would probably be able to get a cat too. My grandmother likes cats and I want one, and would be able to take care of it. Also, my friend, Jenn Smith's wedding would be that June so, I could possibly help her with any last minute details she would need help with.

Other aspects are just as complicated as these. The boy front, the latest developments can't even be spoken about. The home front, I'm slowly slipping away it seems. The computer front, is no longer an issue because I own a macbook now. The job front, probably the most stable of anything I flop between drama and music. I suppose if you really want to know what's going on with me it would be best to shoot me an email or give me a call.

At times, it seems like I have my whole life planned out. Then poof something changes and I'm thrown in a completely different direction. Four years ago, I was terrible at accepting change and wouldn't let it affect me. Now, I let it toss me around like a rag doll. It almost seems like every day I make some tweak in my messed up version of a life plan.

Hello Xanga and whomever still reads this...

Things this semester seem to be going well. I am really enjoying opera workshop, the choir is still on its high from winning gold in Europe this summer, and I have added an elementary education degree and the friends that really matter to me are still around. But, once you delve into the depths of what’s really going on this semester it feels to me as though a lot of shit has hit the fan.

I’ve been here at Mansfield for 3.5 years now and if I was on time with all my classes I would be student teaching this spring. A few of my closest and dearest friends will be and I’m just curious to know how I will handle that. Just in the realization that I was supposed to be student teaching as well.  The two girls I live with will be student teaching while I am still taking courses next semester. It’s not like I can even really escape watching my dream being pursued.

It’s so hard to watch people fulfilling their dream (or not) and you are just struggling to try to get near it… knowing all the while that your friends, advisors and professors don’t necessarily believe that you can do it. I hate hearing from outside sources that professors talk about you to other professors and/or students. I have broken down far too many times just trying to figure out what exactly I am doing with my life. Debating whether or not the people who don’t believe in me are right, wondering if I really did pick the wrong major for me, and having to make decisions about continuing or not.

Then I look at myself and I do some introspection and almost immediately I shout “NO!” in my head. Music is what I want to do. I want to teach children. I want to watch their faces light up when they get that moment where everything clicks and makes sense. I want to have an elementary school choir and get young children involved in critical listening and intonation early on. Work on their aural skills, have them be a part of a group they are proud of and that shows them what team work is even if sports isn’t their thing. Cooperation is an amazing thing to teach through music. I don’t want this dream to be taken away from me. I know that I will do well if given the chance. I know that I will enjoy myself doing it to. I love work, I love kids, I love music and I love teaching. Why can’t/won’t anyone see how much this means to me?

“The thing I remember best about successful

people I’ve met all through the years is their  

obvious delight in what they’re doing… and 

it seems to have very little to do with the      

worldly success. They just love what they’re                     

doing, and they love it in front of others."

-Mr. Fred Rogers

I’m trying so hard to keep a positive spin on things but when you know it’s a skill that is holding you back and you are trying your hardest and still not meeting the bar along with your dwindling support system it’s ridiculously hard to keep your head up. I just have to keep myself happy though, right? And keep those that matter to me close. I’m trying to find new motivation every day and keep my spirits high.

peace and love.